Friday, April 13, 2012

an addiction, a realization

It turns out I am addicted to reading blogs...blogs of those I do not really know, but strangely feel a connection to. Really I am not much of a blogger. I am a private person and apparently (according to a few friends recently) am very good at putting up a front that my life is perfect. HA! Who's life is ALWAYS PERFECT?! Yes, I only ever post the happy details...never the I'm falling apart or worse yet, I am broken in a million pieces. I recently read a blog post that has made me wonder if I am in fact fulfilling my original reasons for starting this blog. In the beginning it was for me, family and friends...but mostly for me to have a record when I am old and can not quite recall when things happened. Now, this blog was for Bree. I wanted to keep the memories of little things that made me smile, laugh and I suppose even, cry. Days pass quickly, weeks sometimes feel like they crawl along and yet the years are flying by. Most days are unremarkable, but the ones that are definitely leave a mark on your heart.

However, the realization has set in. If I am only documenting the happy, fun times am I missing some of the moments in life that have really impacted me along the way? Yes, in fact I am sure know that I am. So I began to wonder...who am I protecting exactly? It sure isn't me. Just because they have not been written does not mean I still do not think and dwell on those times. Maybe, just maybe, I do so even more as I need and outlet. It is not healthy to keep them locked up so tight. This has just really become apparent to me. For the past few weeks a woman at work asks me how I am, and without thinking I simply say fine. The other day when she asked I responded with the same 'fine.' She looked at me and said, "Are you sure? Your sparkle is missing. You just don't seem like yourself."

Lately I have been struggling with WHY things happen? WHY me? Not that I wish bad on others, but why at all? And mostly, when is enough, enough? What I do know is this soon will pass... it is the time in between that is hard. I read, "it takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart," yes I do believe this. As I read blogs of heartbreak that end in joy, I marvel at the strength, courage and pure enthusiasm in the words I read. They give me hope. Hope that through the pain something is learned, experienced and will be a source of healing. As I pick up my pieces I see my is my darling Bree and my loving husband. After all, I am lucky. I just haven't been seeing it like I should through the grief. Bree is a gift, a miracle really. Not that I forgot this, I just am glad I have been reminded to look at her as so. And one day, when the time is right I will be able to hug and kiss two little miracles.

This brings me to my newest realization. I work hard for others all day and my heart really aches to be with Bree. And so Bree has been reminding me lately with her 'no mama's' as we get dressed, get in the car and arrive at school. More and more I wonder why am I doing this? Why do I drop off this sad little girl when all she asks is to stay home with mama?

No comments:

Post a Comment